2000 Words

Let me explain...

Anyone know why the title to my six-word memoir post is what it is?

Life is better when it's earned.

I really believe it.

If life were not earned it would be a horrible and dreadful existence. I can think of nothing worse than having everything that I wanted, when I wanted. Disappointment in plans is a sure sign that you are doing something right. Consider: A couple is divorced, the wife feels devastated and maybe even like a failure, the husband on the other hand feels free and finally able to be himself. The one is devastated because they understand the failure of a family–their family–is a sheer tragedy. The other feels relief because they can finally wallow in their own ego–no thought is given to the whole as a superior entity. The disappointment, even the despair, of the first is based in correct pursuits, while the relief of the second is founded on pride and selfishness.

Okay, so that is a little extreme, sure. Is there any question though what I mean? If not, continue. If so, delete this blog from your browser history now and don't worry about coming back later.

So let me explain what brought this on. This semester I applied to BYU's Masters Program in Spanish Literature. This was done because I need an MA to pursue my career plans and, more importantly, because I feel that doing so will be in the best interest for my own learning. And on Saturday I found out that I didn't get in.

Hold on a second, don't jump down to comments to tell me how sorry you are (heh, as if- I only have about three or four dedicated readers/comment-ers).

I have been greatly surprised at how this news has affected people. Frankly I don't get it. What is there to be mad about/at? I know why I didn't get in. Is it because I didn't put out like I should have in some class(es)? No, although that is true, I didn't. Is it because they are arrogant and pompous? No, they are just doing their jobs, and that does not entail making everyone happy. No, these are not the reasons, and I shudder at the thought of how many people would say yes. The fact is, I didn't get in because right now is not the right time.

You see, I believe in a God that orders things into the best possible system. I think that on some level He knew that something about having a new baby at the start of my first semester of grad school wouldn't really work for me. I think that He knew that I intended to move out of Wymount, regardless of if I "had to" or not. And I think that He is aware of trials and opportunities that 2008 holds in store of which I am not yet aware. Being angry or depressed seems very ungrateful.

Am I frustrated by this turn of events? Of course, but this is mere annoyance over a rather trivial loss of time. There are plans and goals which must be altered and postponed, never an easy process. I of course feel that I have worked long and hard, and on some level it wasn't enough. This is natural. It is equally natural to feel anger and disappointment. However, I have been struggling a long time to overcome the natural man, much longer than I have spent trying to get into grad school.

So don't feel sorry for me. Don't try and convince me that this is a huge setback, that I should be depressed and downhearted. The fact is that such sentiments are both unnecessary and misdirected. The trials of life are meant to teach and help us expand, and this is just another example of learning to see things as divinely appointed opportunities rather than as setbacks and heartache.